A simple black and white sign posted in the weeds at the side of the road.  I was headed to the “big city” of Wenatchee to pick up a few things at Costco.  (It was early March and I was blissfully unaware that panic buying had become a thing…)

When I spied that sign, “YOU’RE LOVED”, on the side of the road, I was flooded with an unexpected wave of emotions; relief, love, safety, sadness, gratitude, desire to help.  All of it at one time.  In that split second, I believed I was loved, fully, completely, unconditionally loved.  

I did not dissolve into a puddle right there on highway 2, but I did give myself a moment to feel, FEEL ALL OF IT.  All the startling and wonderful emotions AND the dark, scary ones.

And for that one second, despite COVID-19 and fear and scarcity of TP, I was at peace.  I believed I had everything I needed in that one moment.  This is the power of belief (thoughts).

The next second?  Back in my car, back in my brain, hurtling down the road.

But, I wasn’t the same.  I was smiling.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

Feeling like part of the crowd has always been a bit of a challenge for me. It was all I knew as a child, so I didn’t think much of it. It was just part of life.

As I got older, I noticed some people could congregate with such ease. They didn’t look awkward or nervous. They seemed assured, full of purpose. And seemed so willing to share themselves with the rest of the group.

Then there were the ones who hung back, looked wary, ill at ease.

I appeared as one of the former.

In my heart, I was the latter.

Acting out these different roles, confident, assured, shy, timid.

Wait. Hold the phone. Shut the door. Those are all feelings, behaviors.

I’m in control of those. 100%.

There’s no mystery as to why I am that way? It’s all just sentences in my mind that I get to choose? That is the BEST NEWS EVER!

Let’s get on with this day, and be all of me, by choice.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

That was the advice. Sought after advice. Eagerly awaited advice. Kindly delivered by my wise mentor. Kind because I know she wanted to use the “F” word.

I had been focused on building my business and organizing my time. I was stressed about doing something completely new that exposed me, encouraged being vulnerable. I was not tolerating that stress terribly well. My brain kept offering up my old security blanket, overeating.

When I built my new neural pathways, the ones that support me in extinguishing the desire to overeat, I built them strong and wide. I made it easy to divert my thinking away from thoughts that lead to overeating and back to thoughts that lead to focusing on my life, not on my food and/or my weight. For a year and a half, I had successfully kept off the 60 pounds that I had lost by changing my brain. And it was easy.

Now my freedom from food drama began to feel less free. It turns out that the neural pathways that were previously laid down from a lifetime of overeating have not been completely removed. Though the new paths are well established, when my little lizard brain panicked, it chose to run down the old familiar paths, despite 18 months of overgrowth.

I chose to respond with shock, and awe, and confusion.

Not wanting to take responsibility for it.

“It’s the stress.”

“It’s too hard.”

“I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this now.”

Bring on the chips. Ice cream. Handfuls of nuts. And weight gain.

And my panic over the weight gain, of course, led to more weight gain.

Like all my clients, I have a human brain. And that brain wants so desperately to keep me safe. And is wholly inadequate at deciphering what is actually dangerous and what is “made up” dangerous. It doesn’t know that my story, a bunch of sentences in my head, will not actually kill me. But running/overeating from the feeling that story produces 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 actually kill me. Obesity, diabetes, heart disease. All encouraged by overeating.

Now, the choice between believing those sentences and the outcome of that, and the choice to see them as harmless words on a page has taken on a heavier meaning (pun intended). My mental health. My goals. My business. My future. My life.

I asked for advice. Plaintively. She responded with tough love. “You are the best coach for you.”

My confidence in my own abilities is what is going to get me what I want. It’s there. When I clean up my mind, I’ll see it.

I just need to quit messing around.

I’ve got this.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

Brush your teeth. Every day.

Drive on the right side of the road.

Eat three meals a day.

Who made all this up? And why do we agree with them?

Because it makes sense?

Sometimes.

Because it’s easier? Often.

But, does it serve me to believe it? It’s a little scary to consider that I could be wrong, when I’ve thought some things for so long. Like butter makes me fat.

Or, I have to be strict with myself to lose weight.

Maybe I’ll make up a new rule. Like, being kind to myself is the secret to happiness.

Then search the playing field of my life for evidence.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

I have said that to myself hundreds, no, thousands of times over my life. Maybe millions. And I am thinking that right now. Luckily, I am in a very curious mood.

As a student of “thought work”, I firmly believe we are in charge of our feelings. Often it seems someone or something else is in charge (or I want them to be). But, more often now, I see it’s all me.

Sometimes it is painfully obvious that my brain is in charge.

Sometimes it is delightfully obvious that my brain is in charge.

So back to the belly. And me thinking it’s too big, feeling like I have an inner tube wrapped around my waist. It seems so true. Just a fact. It’s so automatic, just a physical sensation, right?

How about I play around with how that feeling 𝙢𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 be created by a thought.

Maybe the physical sensation is real, an awareness of the space my body is taking up. But the description of “fat” is chock full of all kinds of negative vibes. That are now racing all over my body creating a general sensation of “yuck”.

Caused by my thoughts about the word “fat”.

Over which I have control.

Which I can allow to surface on that river of thoughts and pass right on by. Or grab at them, pull them out and hold on out of habit. Today? I’m taking a good look at the result, the “yuck”, and I toss those thoughts back in the river.

I choose, “My belly feels full.” “My belly feels alive.” “My belly is part of me.”

Maybe, when you want to live your best life….

Size doesn’t matter.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

Time alone. Cherished time alone. It’s every mama’s secret desire (at least the mamas I know.) Even now that my kids are grown, I still find a craving for time alone.

Yet, when I have it, and I have ample opportunity these days, I seem to rush to fill that time. There’s a slightly panicked air around it.

When I think about the last time I was truly alone, I remember mentally ticking off all the things I could be doing, tasks I could be completing, work I could be catching up on, correspondence that needed writing.

Yet, I didn’t feel like doing any of that. I felt like finishing my book about the little book van in Scotland, I felt like watching the clouds roll by from my Aidirondack chair on the deck. I felt like napping under the fuzzy blanket with the goofy foot pockets that I adore.

But, my head was so crowded! There was more noise up there than a Black Friday at Walmart. What’s with all that commotion? How do you leave behind your own mind?

You don’t. You quit resisting it. You invite it in.

Fine. Fine. Fine. I will sit and hear all its complaints and “shoulds” and judgments and worries. I will let it exhaust itself, which surprisingly doesn’t take long once you quit pushing it away.

And as I listened, I saw I had empathy for this crowd of thoughts. I was not surprised by what I heard. (I kinda know this story.) And things quieted down. Settled. Satisfied. I could now see them as sentences in my mind.

Believe them. Or don’t believe them.

Or just finish my book…..in peace.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

I did not finish my list today.

I did not eat on my protocol today.

I did not get out and hike today, like I had planned.

I did not write this blog at 6:00 this morning, as scheduled.

Yet, I am a success. This is not where my mind went initially. I indulged in my habitual criticism, judgement, beating on (my)self, what I now call BS. I noticed all this. I noticed how awful it felt. I noticed I wanted to eat that cookie dough ice cream.

Why? I’m confused because ice cream isn’t my go-to, not my habit anymore. What was the ice cream going to do for me?

Make me feel good. Give me a hit a dopamine that I thought I needed. Because I didn’t feel good.

Yet, I now know not feeling good is something I produce with my thoughts, my attitude, my beliefs.

Feeling better is wholly within my power. I remember, then see it is my idea that I SHOULD finish my list that feels awful. That I 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑’𝑣𝑒 eaten on protocol. That I 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑’𝑣𝑒 hiked. And written this blog earlier.

And then I just decide that my life is perfect. I decide that I don’t want to fight with the past any more.

I decide I am a success. Not in the future, when I do all my “should’s”. But right now. Right here.

Lucky me.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

There we all were. Yoga mats scattered throughout my living area. My furniture banished to outer rooms. My friends and neighbors invited in for yoga. We love this teacher, Dean, with the fervor of disciples. My living room was the only available space for a summer session. We can squish 18 of us in there. I love having all this wonderfulness in my house.

As he invites us to “drop in to ourselves” to start the class, the hammers start up. Then the dropping of plywood sheets, like thunder claps. Then the power saws, like the drilling of Gulliver’s teeth. There is a new bed and breakfast being constructed just below me. I did not realize this when I offered my space.

Dean, of course, is nonplussed. He offers, “There are always distractions”, and I don’t hear the rest of what he says because I am focused on, “Oh my God! This is so loud! New tourist housing in my neighborhood? How dare they! I should have known about this!” And all that drama. Not very yogi of me.

Then, I open my eyes and see all these lovely men and women in my living room. I see the beautiful day outside. I see my wood beams above.

I take that deep breath and drop in, hammers and all.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

Brene Brown said,

“For me, vulnerability led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light.”

My shame path usually leads to something with salt and carbs, but I think you get the idea.

Shame = disconnection. This is so good to know.

Disconnection = overeating. This is also good to know.

Now, what do I do about that? Will knowing this mean that I won’t eat out of shame anymore? I don’t think so.

What will knowing this do? Allow me to be curious about how I feel, why I feel that way, and what I want to do about it.

I have all the power.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.

Who would want to sign up for that? Isn’t the idea to find the 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 weight loss program, so it will be easy? I can find the body I always wanted, the life I always wanted, if only I could find that perfect, magical diet, right? Who doesn’t want to keep looking for that?

Me.

I got tired of chasing that dream. I got tired of catching disappointment.

I heard mention of something about loving what “is”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. What if the “is” in my life is hard?

Being curious about the things I found difficult? Whaat?

Wonder about why I felt uncomfortable? Why?

Be curious about my focus on weight loss, or the lack of it.

Just make it go away.

How could curiosity help me lose weight? That didn’t make any sense.

Until it did.

𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.