Woke up to Radio KFKD. You know the one. It plays a steady stream of bitter self-doubt. Then tries to counter it. So much noise.
Who picked that station for the wake-up call? Oh. I did. I was believing that judging myself was the secret to making my life better. That making myself feel worse would make me behave better.
That belief gets so much airtime, yet when I examine it, I fail to find any evidence in my past that it works. Crazy.
It didn’t work with my children either, though I did give it my best shot. (Sorry, kids.)
And now, decades later I am just beginning to see why I’ve employed it so often, why I’ve believed it might work….someday. Several times over the years, I’ve heard that judging myself, criticizing myself, beating myself to a pulp is not helpful. Yet, I keep falling back in that rut. A rut that is several miles deep and eons long from years of construction.
Recently I made yet again another commitment to stop beating myself up, but this time I did it differently; I decided when I caught myself doing it, I would redirect myself WITHOUT the added judgement, criticism, beatings. Of course all that violence is the opposite of what I had committed to at the beginning but it was the “natural” (habitual) reaction to self-correct.
So, now I am calling a moratorium on Beating of the Self (BS). Yesterday, I kept catching myself with some form of a KFKD broadcast and got to call BS. I love the double meaning. A little humor goes a long way in this arena.
(Thank you, Anne Lamott.) 𝑆𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑎 𝑃ℎ𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝑎𝑑 𝐴𝑠𝑠𝑜𝑐𝑖𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑡 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑆𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑒: 𝑇𝑜𝑜𝑙𝑠 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐴𝑛 𝐴𝑚𝑎𝑧𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒, 𝑎 𝐶𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝐿𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑊𝑒𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑎𝑐ℎ. 𝑆ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 50 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠….𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑑𝑟𝑎𝑚𝑎. 𝑁𝑜 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑔𝑔𝑙𝑒.