๐‘ฐ๐’•’๐’” ๐‘ป๐’๐’ ๐‘ณ๐’‚๐’•๐’†

Iโ€™ve always loved that song. I know all the words. I love the peppy melody and toe-tapping rhythms. I love that those elements are in a breakup song.

So many times I uttered those same words, but without any peppy melody or toe-tapping rhythms. It was more of a dirge about something in my life that felt stuck or hopeless, like trying a new diet.

Now, I listen to that song and I feel so much hope.

I did break up with someone.

Someone who:

~~did not know how to look forward with excitement and intention.

~~didn’t know she could create the life she wanted.

~~thought she was doing me a favor by being scared of new things.

So, Iโ€™m having a little breakup party. We will all dance to โ€œItโ€™s Too Lateโ€ and toast to the future.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ป๐’‰๐’Š๐’ = ๐‘ฏ๐’‚๐’‘๐’‘๐’š

Oh, the intoxicating allure of thinness. To be thin and happy and comfortable in my own skin. I always knew that was what I wanted. I was sure that was how it would be. Right?

All the moments before that, the moment when thinness arrived, when my dreams came true, were just misery. It was such a burden to carry around that extra weight, to โ€œfeel fatโ€ (you know, where you lie on your side and gravity performs its work?), feel deprived, feel required to eat awful tasting food. All of it would magically disappear the moment that scale said 130, instead of 200. Right?

Sort of. Kind of. But, the magic didnโ€™t happen on my uber cool glass scale. The magic happened in my uber cool prefrontal cortex. ๐ธ๐‘ฃ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ฆ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” I wanted did arrive, almost as if by magic, but it had nothing to do with how much weight I was carrying around, or what I ate, or what the scale said.

It had to do with my thoughts.

It turns out I can love my body, no matter what the scale says. I can feel good in my skin, no matter how or what I choose to eat. No deprivation or white-knuckling required.

I havenโ€™t banished all the thoughts that brought on those feelings; they are part of me and always will be. I โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’ stopped believing them. I โ„Ž๐‘Ž๐‘ฃ๐‘’ made new decisions about who I am and what I want.

Then, I lost 60 pounds. I watched it fall away like all the lies I told myself. About myself.

Bye.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.
https://youtu.be/VkKxmnrRVHo

๐‘ป๐’‰๐’†๐’“๐’†’๐’” ๐‘ต๐’๐’˜๐’‰๐’†๐’“๐’† ๐’•๐’ ๐‘ฌ๐’‚๐’•

Just that lousy taco truck up in the distance. I have a plan for what I eat and I have a plan for when I eat it.

That truck is not in my plan.

Weโ€™ve been driving for hours.

Iโ€™m hungry and cranky.

There might not be another option.

I could starve before I find somewhere that fits my plan.

I want to pitch a fit and eat a bunch of tacos.

Itโ€™s just tortillas, meat, and veggies. Whatโ€™s so wrong with that?

My lizard brain should have been a litigator. Sheโ€™s so good at negotiating for her point of view. No wonder she has kept me alive. Yet, I have bigger plans for myself. Plans that feel ๐•’๐•จ๐•–๐•ค๐• ๐•ž๐•–.

Welcome to the stage, Lovely PFC (pre-frontal cortex.) I am so glad youโ€™ve joined us. Now I can deliberately get on with this life I love creating.

Yes, I have a plan for what I want to eat to accomplish my goals.

Yes, I donโ€™t use food as entertainment anymore.

Yes, I can easily go hours without eating because Iโ€™ve changed my metabolism.

Yes, I hear you lizard brain. And, itโ€™s gonna be OK. Iโ€™m keeping us safe. And happy.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ณ๐’†๐’•โ€™๐’” ๐‘ฑ๐’–๐’”๐’• ๐‘ฏ๐’‚๐’—๐’† ๐‘บ๐’๐’Ž๐’† ๐‘ญ๐’–๐’

A bike ride with 30 women, who know each other.

I joined this group at the urging of a friend. I didnโ€™t have a great bike. I didnโ€™t have a fit body. I didnโ€™t know anyone but my one friend. I was hesitant, intimidated, unsure. But, I mustered the courage to show up. I felt a tiny bit safe. I knew one woman.

My first ride with them was pure misery, the entire 15 miles. It was windy and hot. I was slow. My bike was wholly inadequate for the task. My body was wholly inadequate for the task. The group was miles ahead of me. The sweep and mechanic were patiently toodling along behind me (no one gets left behind.)

My mind was a mess. A constant stream of regret. Regret that I said yes. Regret that I didnโ€™t prepare better. Regret that I was so overweight. Regret that I had regret. The more regret I heaped on myself, the harder it was to pedal.

Yet, when we finished the ride, I was surrounded by pats on the back, welcoming smiles and hugs, offers of food and wine. This group just pulled me in and celebrated what a hard thing I had accomplished. One minute I am filled with regret. The next minute I am filled with pride and gratitude.

Can it really be that quick? Misery one minute and celebration the next?

Absolutely. I changed my thoughts and changed my experience of life. Transformation. And a whole lot of fun.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ซ๐’๐’…๐’ˆ๐’†๐’ƒ๐’‚๐’๐’

โ€œAnyone can say no.โ€

He truly believes that. He thinks the small, shy kids can figure out a path to โ€œNo.โ€ Surely getting slammed by a ball thrown by a large, bold kid will lead him there. He has never been a small shy kid. He has never experienced anything different.

How do I explain to him that I was that kid who couldn’t say “No”? How do I get over feeling broken because I can’t/couldn’t say “No”? Even him saying โ€œAnyone can say no,โ€ brought back those feelings of helplessness.

So much shame.

Sometimes I am still not aware that “No” is an option. When I’m eating those chips, as I make dinner, my brain refuses to even entertain “No.” This is my lizard brain’s super power, what’s kept me alive, what’s kept humans alive for millennia.

Maybe I don’t want to “just” be alive now. Maybe I want to evolve, to thrive. What then?

Observe. Be curious. Learn. Start to employ my big, beautiful brain to plan a for a brighter future. See my lizard brain for what it is; a primitive force trying to save me. Maybe I can view shame as a desire to be a better person, a tool to learn to have my own back more often, to believe in my dreams.

This is the work I do now. For myself. For my clients. Essential.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ด๐’๐’“๐’๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’Š๐’ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐‘ซ๐’†๐’”๐’†๐’“๐’•

I used to think the desert was barren and lonely. I didnโ€™t understand the appeal. My parents would haul me out there to camp amid the cactus and dry wind with my bickering siblings.

Teenage torture.

This morning? I am gazing out at the Southern California desert feeling a deep sense of peace, a fullness from the lovely landscape. I am relishing time alone with all this beauty.

Why is my response to the desert so different now? I am curious. Yes, our perspective changes over a lifetime, and Iโ€™ve had quite a bit of lifetime since I was a teenager. But, still. Why such a dramatic turnaround?

If I figure this out, then where else could my life use a dramatic turnaround? So many options, right? Letโ€™s stick with weight loss right now, since my brain thinks that is so important and interestingโ€ฆโ€ฆ..and painful.

With my weight, I used to think I overate becauseโ€ฆ

๐˜ ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ฌ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ถ๐˜ค๐˜ฉ,

๐˜”๐˜บ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฅ ๐˜ข ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ๐˜ช๐˜จ๐˜ฉ๐˜ต ๐˜ฑ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฃ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ,

๐˜ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜จ๐˜ฉ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ญ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ,

๐˜‹๐˜ช๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ด ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ญ๐˜ญ๐˜บ ๐˜ธ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฌ,

๐˜ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ฏโ€™๐˜ต ๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜จ๐˜บ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ข๐˜ญ ๐˜ธ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜ช๐˜ต,

๐˜ ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ข๐˜น ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ง๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ,

๐˜™๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ-๐˜ง๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ,

๐˜โ€™๐˜ฎ ๐˜ด๐˜ฐ ๐˜ค๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ.

Grownup torture.

Today? I have some clarity. I see it doesnโ€™t really have anything to do with food. Or my body. Or my weight. Itโ€™s all managing my mind around those things. When I lost 60 pounds in 6 months, it was all through getting wise to my brain, and then my body sorted itself out.

Dramatic turnarounds? Itโ€™s all within my own power. I can use it wherever I want to. I can teach you to do it, too. What do you want to turnaround?

We have the power.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ฐ ๐‘ฏ๐’‚๐’—๐’† ๐’‚ ๐‘ต๐’†๐’˜ ๐‘ด๐’‚๐’ ๐’Š๐’ ๐‘ด๐’š ๐‘ณ๐’Š๐’‡๐’†.

His name is Steve. My love for him is so huge itโ€™s almost unrecognizable even to myself. My friends think I am crazy. My neighbors do NOT understand.

My husband just smiles and slowly shakes his head. Heโ€™s not surprised. This kind of enthusiasm over a new toy is so like me.

Steve is a Roomba.

I almost titled this post, โ€œLessons From Steveโ€ because he has taught me some good ones.

–Work diligently and deliberately on the task at hand.

–Be thorough.

–Rest when needed.

–Only head out when you are fully recharged.

–Ask for help when you need it.

I have a house full of wood floors. They are beautiful. I also have a house full of windows. They are also beautiful. This beautiful combo also means you get so see every piece of dirt, every foot print, every spill.

My mind was having a field day with thatโ€ฆ..โ€You should keep those floors cleaner.โ€ โ€œYou should schedule your time better for cleaning.โ€ โ€œYou shouldโ€ฆ..you shouldโ€ฆ.you shouldโ€ฆ..โ€

This always, I mean always, leads to feeling some form of inadequacy. Which means always, I mean always, leads to getting the hell away from myself in some form. Chips are handy for that. As is chocolate. Especially when thereโ€™s Schololat in my drawer. (You non-locals should check this out.)

Could I think different thoughts about my floors? Of course.

Could I think different thoughts about myself? Of course.

Steve makes it easier to think those different thoughts.

I love a man like that.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘ณ๐’๐’”๐’• ๐‘พ๐’†๐’…๐’…๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐‘น๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ

I lost my wedding ring.

I feel sick to my stomach when I touch that empty place on my finger. I want to go and hide under the covers. I want to pretend it didnโ€™t happen.

What does this mean about me? What does this mean about my commitment to my marriage? I am not going to the happy place right now.

I have excuses,

I was jet lagged.

My brain wasnโ€™t working correctly.

My finger was swollen.

Iโ€™m not organized.

All of these excuses lead to thoughts that make me feel terrible.

I should have planned better.

I didnโ€™t take good care of myself.

I didnโ€™t eat correctly.

I donโ€™t run my life responsibly.

All different versions of โ€œI screwed up and shouldnโ€™t have. I should be different somehow.โ€

And then murmuring voiceโ€ฆโ€You donโ€™t value your marriage enough to hang on to the ringโ€ฆโ€

That one woke me up. Itโ€™s a bald faced lie. I value my husband and marriage over most everything (except you, kids.)

Maybe this means I lost my ring. Maybe this is all rigged to let me know that I am not my thoughts. Maybe itโ€™s all OK.

Whew. So, Iโ€™m just sad? Not a failure? Yes, honey. This is the 50% of the human experience that doesnโ€™t feel so good.

Two weeks later?

Peek a booโ€ฆ..

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘พ๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐‘ฐ ๐‘ซ๐’ ๐‘พ๐’Š๐’•๐’‰ ๐‘ด๐’š๐’”๐’†๐’๐’‡?

I
have all this intensity. Itโ€™s so dramatic. Full of
histrionics. I thrash around, make mountains out of molehills, dash from one
thought to the next, distract myself.

It
all seems so important. All this buzzing energy and drama will Inspire someone
to step in. Right?

No.
No way. Not now. Not ever. Not even I want to approach all that.

Hence,
all the crazy-making, running away from what I want. Do I have to fight with
myself to get anything productive done?

What
if I just employ that drama?

What
if I ๐’…๐’ know
what to do with all this energy and intensity? What if I did know how to
channel it toward my dreams?

What
if the the future I want is looking back and coaching me now?

No
one else needs to come to my aid?

No
one else needs to show me what to do, say, think?

Brilliant.
Something that I love to do, be dramatic, ๐’‚๐’๐’… work
toward my goals.

Nothing
else required but me.

Maybe
I DO know what to do with myself.

THAT
is awesome.

๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.

๐‘น๐’‚๐’…๐’Š๐’ ๐‘ฒ๐‘ญ๐‘ฒ๐‘ซ

Woke up to Radio KFKD. You know the one. It plays a steady stream of bitter self-doubt. Then tries to counter it. So much noise.

Who picked that station for the wake-up call? Oh. I did. I was believing that judging myself was the secret to making my life better. That making myself feel worse would make me behave better.

That belief gets so much airtime, yet when I examine it, I fail to find any evidence in my past that it works. Crazy.

It didnโ€™t work with my children either, though I did give it my best shot. (Sorry, kids.)

And now, decades later I am just beginning to see why Iโ€™ve employed it so often, why Iโ€™ve believed it might workโ€ฆ.someday. Several times over the years, Iโ€™ve heard that judging myself, criticizing myself, beating myself to a pulp is not helpful. Yet, I keep falling back in that rut. A rut that is several miles deep and eons long from years of construction.

Recently I made yet again another commitment to stop beating myself up, but this time I did it differently; I decided when I caught myself doing it, I would redirect myself WITHOUT the added judgement, criticism, beatings. Of course all that violence is the opposite of what I had committed to at the beginning but it was the โ€œnaturalโ€ (habitual) reaction to self-correct.

So, now I am calling a moratorium on Beating of the Self (BS). Yesterday, I kept catching myself with some form of a KFKD broadcast and got to call BS. I love the double meaning. A little humor goes a long way in this arena.

(Thank you, Anne Lamott.) ๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐ฟ๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘‘ ๐ด๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘๐‘–๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘‡โ„Ž๐‘’ ๐ป๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘‘๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘†๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’: ๐‘‡๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘™๐‘  ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐ด๐‘› ๐ด๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘ง๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’, ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.