๐‘น๐’‚๐’…๐’Š๐’ ๐‘ฒ๐‘ญ๐‘ฒ๐‘ซ

Woke up to Radio KFKD. You know the one. It plays a steady stream of bitter self-doubt. Then tries to counter it. So much noise.

Who picked that station for the wake-up call? Oh. I did. I was believing that judging myself was the secret to making my life better. That making myself feel worse would make me behave better.

That belief gets so much airtime, yet when I examine it, I fail to find any evidence in my past that it works. Crazy.

It didnโ€™t work with my children either, though I did give it my best shot. (Sorry, kids.)

And now, decades later I am just beginning to see why Iโ€™ve employed it so often, why Iโ€™ve believed it might workโ€ฆ.someday. Several times over the years, Iโ€™ve heard that judging myself, criticizing myself, beating myself to a pulp is not helpful. Yet, I keep falling back in that rut. A rut that is several miles deep and eons long from years of construction.

Recently I made yet again another commitment to stop beating myself up, but this time I did it differently; I decided when I caught myself doing it, I would redirect myself WITHOUT the added judgement, criticism, beatings. Of course all that violence is the opposite of what I had committed to at the beginning but it was the โ€œnaturalโ€ (habitual) reaction to self-correct.

So, now I am calling a moratorium on Beating of the Self (BS). Yesterday, I kept catching myself with some form of a KFKD broadcast and got to call BS. I love the double meaning. A little humor goes a long way in this arena.

(Thank you, Anne Lamott.) ๐‘†๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž ๐‘ƒโ„Ž๐‘’๐‘›๐‘›๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘–๐‘  ๐‘กโ„Ž๐‘’ ๐ฟ๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘‘ ๐ด๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘œ๐‘๐‘–๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘ก ๐‘‡โ„Ž๐‘’ ๐ป๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘‘๐‘ค๐‘Ž๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘†๐‘ก๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’: ๐‘‡๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘™๐‘  ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐ด๐‘› ๐ด๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘ง๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’, ๐‘Ž ๐ถ๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘ก๐‘–๐‘“๐‘–๐‘’๐‘‘ ๐ฟ๐‘–๐‘“๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘‘ ๐‘Š๐‘’๐‘–๐‘”โ„Ž๐‘ก ๐ถ๐‘œ๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž. ๐‘†โ„Ž๐‘’โ€™๐‘  ๐‘๐‘Ž๐‘ ๐‘ ๐‘–๐‘œ๐‘›๐‘Ž๐‘ก๐‘’ ๐‘Ž๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘ก ๐‘ก๐‘’๐‘Ž๐‘โ„Ž๐‘–๐‘›๐‘” ๐‘ค๐‘œ๐‘š๐‘’๐‘› ๐‘ก๐‘œ ๐‘™๐‘œ๐‘ ๐‘’ 50 ๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘๐‘œ๐‘ข๐‘›๐‘‘๐‘ โ€ฆ.๐‘๐‘’๐‘Ÿ๐‘š๐‘Ž๐‘›๐‘’๐‘›๐‘ก๐‘™๐‘ฆ. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘“๐‘œ๐‘œ๐‘‘ ๐‘‘๐‘Ÿ๐‘Ž๐‘š๐‘Ž. ๐‘๐‘œ ๐‘š๐‘œ๐‘Ÿ๐‘’ ๐‘ ๐‘ก๐‘Ÿ๐‘ข๐‘”๐‘”๐‘™๐‘’.