
βAnyone can say no.β
He truly believes that. He thinks the small, shy kids can figure out a path to βNo.β Surely getting slammed by a ball thrown by a large, bold kid will lead him there. He has never been a small shy kid. He has never experienced anything different.
How do I explain to him that I was that kid who couldn’t say “No”? How do I get over feeling broken because I can’t/couldn’t say “No”? Even him saying βAnyone can say no,β brought back those feelings of helplessness.
So much shame.
Sometimes I am still not aware that “No” is an option. When I’m eating those chips, as I make dinner, my brain refuses to even entertain “No.” This is my lizard brain’s super power, what’s kept me alive, what’s kept humans alive for millennia.
Maybe I don’t want to “just” be alive now. Maybe I want to evolve, to thrive. What then?
Observe. Be curious. Learn. Start to employ my big, beautiful brain to plan a for a brighter future. See my lizard brain for what it is; a primitive force trying to save me. Maybe I can view shame as a desire to be a better person, a tool to learn to have my own back more often, to believe in my dreams.
This is the work I do now. For myself. For my clients. Essential.
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